Who/What Else Is In The Room?
Unpacking what it is in the space when there is conflict in a relationship.
A common question that gets posed by coaches, therapists, and other facilitators when it comes to inner child work is, “who else is in the room?”. Say that you are having a tough conversation with your partner and all of a sudden you feel yourself shutting down or perhaps you feel the rise of anger and desire to defend yourself to the very end of this argument. The “who else” in the room would be the scared three year old version of you or the angry 13 year old version of you, and that is not even bringing in the “who else” of your partner in that experience.
This question helps you to understand more around what has you behaving in the ways that you are and helps to indicate where there is an opportunity for healing. What did you scared 3 year old need in those moments of fear growing up? What was your 13 year old self feeling so angry about and what could you offer that version of yourself now?
I was talking with a client around a work meeting that she was absolutely dreading because she didn’t feel there was a chance of getting the outcome that she truly wanted from it. She felt afraid of the conversation, potential for humiliation, and risk of conflict should she try and convince the other person of a difference decision. The answer to the “who else is in the room?” for her was the defeated 7 year old who never felt believed in by the adults in her life, which led to her feeling utterly powerless (and understandably so).
The next question I asked was “what else can be in this room asides from utter dread that would actually empower you?”.
She was quick to give an answer full of all her strengths, experience, expertise and ability to adapt in her fast paced line of work. The shift from deflated to confident was beyond noticeable in her energy, demeanor, tone and body language from that one shift of focus.
I reflected back to her that dread was not the only thing in the room with her. All those strengths, skills, talents, and level of experience were also in the room with her and they were a lot larger than that dread. Yes, the 7 year old was present, as was the dread, but so was the 40 year old woman with such immense skill and experience in her line of work and that was what needed to be taking up way more space in the room for her to feel empowered.
That was a quick switch that my client made from that sense of deflation to empowerment, but sometimes we need to clear the space more for what we want to be present with us.
Another client of mine was sharing about a challenge with his partner who was not understanding him in his pain and grief around his father passing away. He and his partner were completely missing each other in conversations and this was only perpetuating the hurt that they were both experiencing for different reasons. For my client, what was in the room was his grief and stress from his dad’s passing, but what was taking up the rest of the space was his hurt from his partner not being someone he could turn to for support without being criticized.
My client has the skill and ability to communicate clearly, but he was struggling to access that because there was no room for it. The hurt he was feeling was leaving no space for him to communicate that all he wanted from his partner was to be heard and to have them be there with him in the experience.
No problem solving was wanted. Just having that presence of support with someone he could feel safe with. A sanctuary he could come to when the storm of grief was too much.
We talked on being able to first just have him feel understood around his pain and hurt in his partnership. This is not a simple task because it would obviously be confronting for his partner to hear about how their actions and words have been hurtful in an already challenging time for my client.
We know this as humans - to hear from someone that we love dearly that we have hurt them is such a raw and tender experience to be in, which is why we often lash out, shut down, turn it back on the other, etc. so that we “protect” ourselves from being with the fact that we are capable of hurting others.
But, this challenge of first feeling understood about the hurt he was experiencing and to offer his partner a chance to share theirs would help to clear some space for more productive communication around needs and being able to talk that through as partners and teammates.
Think on a challenge that you are either going through or have gone through in some relational dynamic:
Who else was in the room?
What else was in the room?
What would have helped to clear out more space for there to be connection rather than further dysfunction?
What is an action step you could commit to taking to create movement from these reflections, either in a current challenge or future challenge?
I see you doing the hard work of being a human and I am so grateful to you for it. You make the world a more beautiful and harmonious place.
With love,
Li
P.S. I have a few 1-on-1 spots open for sound healing, coaching, and mentorship work with me. I work with queer humans who are wanting to heal their codependent patterns and tendencies so they feel liberated in their relationships. If you want to set up a free call with me to see how I can support you, get that set up here!